I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
