she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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