you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
