Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
