So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just saw a hot homeless man
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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