he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
