Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
