Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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