I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The beer is more important than you right now.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
