Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
