1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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