i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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