the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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