I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
