I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
