Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
