I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
