im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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