Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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