haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
