My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
