I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
