I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
