i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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