Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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