I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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