my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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