are you still at the devil's house?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
