I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
