What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
