I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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