I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
