it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
