Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
