i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
