whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just forgot I was standing up.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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