Soap is not a condiment
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
