I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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