When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
