Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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