The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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