oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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