hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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