i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
