you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
