Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
