You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
