matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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