quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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