Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
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He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions