Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
