I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
