so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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