Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
