You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
