and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Holy sore nipples Batman
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
