I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
