I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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