I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
