Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
