OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
